It's been a really, really, really long time.
Far longer than I wanted or hoped. For my best friend's birthday all we exchanged was a text. I told Terry I'd call, but then I didn't. I wasn't sure when would be a good time, and I had work during the day. We had just moved into our new place in Chicago and the next thing I knew when I got home was my head hitting the makeshift pillow/air mattress combination I'm living off of. It's no excuse, it's never and excuse. I feel like a crappy friend.
I don't know if Terrence will see this, it's been forever since we started this thing, and it fizzled out sadly. I know, and part of the reason I love T so much is that we can always just... pick up where we left off. I've been coming back from Chicago and the Terrence I used to know has changed. It's not a bad thing. The best friend I had is still there, he's just shining through. He seems, at least to me, more confident and sure of himself, and happier. But I want to still be in constant contact with him. I miss the days I could just drop it all and walk over, or bike over, or drive over to his place and hang out. We didn't even have to do anything, simply hanging around my garage or his living room and talking were some of the best times I've had.
I was banking it all on this summer to going back and seeing him again. I had a job, I have other friends, but really my main pull for going back home was my family and Terrence.
Why don't I just tell him this directly? Because I'm a douche? Because I'm concerned for some stupid reason with not having enough to say even though when we do call we talk until one of our phones die, or that T will have realized that I'm not as great as friend as I want to be and have moved on? I'm not entirely sure myself.
I'll call him tomorrow. That's what I always say. Truth be told there isn't many days I haven't thought about calling Terrence, or at the very least just wanting to talk and chill like we used to, and now I'm just repeating myself.
But that's the wonderful thing about this vast void of misinformation and misdirection that we know as the internet, is that I can rant and vent and almost certainly nobody will care what I have to say. But I'm not looking for validation, or recognition. I'm looking for a place to write what I feel without criticism. I've had a shitty day, and I've been feeling guilty about how bad of a friend I am when distance is concerned. I can't seem to wrap my head around communication across distances.
It's not that I don't care, though that's what most people think, it's that my mind is either focused on the abstract or the immediate, and frankly most forms of communication outside of face-to-face interaction I am fairly terrible at.
Long story short, I love you T, you are my best friend and I'm sorry for being an asshole.
