Desire and Longing.

Have you ever wanted something so bad your soul ached?  Have you ever figured out when you want something this bad you'll never get it?

I figured that out.  I was happy.  I was really happy, I liked where my life was headed.  It wasn't perfect but I had all of what I wanted, and I had what was most important to me, somebody to love and share my life with.  Career be dammed, at the end of my life I want to look back on my time spent with the girl of my dreams.  I thought I had that.  And then, with her, it set in.  She wouldn't look at me.  Her smile was tainted. She wouldn't walk as close to me, she would just keep drifting farther apart.  We wouldn't hold hands. I got scared.  I was so scared to lose what I had found, I let it get to me, I began to cling on for dear life, and she only pushed away more.

I never wanted any of this fucking garbage.  Damn this feeling to the deepest depths of hell.
I want to rage, I want to punch and kick and wrestle and throw and beat something into oblivion, I want to be hit back.  But you can't fight this kind of pain, not like I know how.

FUCK

Go On, Give Up Now

It's been a really, really, really long time.

Far longer than I wanted or hoped.  For my best friend's birthday all we exchanged was a text.  I told Terry I'd call, but then I didn't.  I wasn't sure when would be a good time, and I had work during the day.  We had just moved into our new place in Chicago and the next thing I knew when I got home was my head hitting the makeshift pillow/air mattress combination I'm living off of.  It's no excuse, it's never and excuse.  I feel like a crappy friend.

I don't know if Terrence will see this, it's been forever since we started this thing, and it fizzled out sadly.  I know, and part of the reason I love T so much is that we can always just... pick up where we left off.  I've been coming back from Chicago and the Terrence I used to know has changed.  It's not a bad thing.  The best friend I had is still there, he's just shining through.  He seems, at least to me, more confident and sure of himself, and happier.  But I want to still be in constant contact with him.  I miss the days I could just drop it all and walk over, or bike over, or drive over to his place and hang out.  We didn't even have to do anything, simply hanging around my garage or his living room and talking were some of the best times I've had.

I was banking it all on this summer to going back and seeing him again.  I had a job, I have other friends, but really my main pull for going back home was my family and Terrence.

Why don't I just tell him this directly?  Because I'm a douche?  Because I'm concerned for some stupid reason with not having enough to say even though when we do call we talk until one of our phones die, or that T will have realized that I'm not as great as friend as I want to be and have moved on?  I'm not entirely sure myself.

I'll call him tomorrow.  That's what I always say.  Truth be told there isn't many days I haven't thought about calling Terrence, or at the very least just wanting to talk and chill like we used to, and now I'm just repeating myself.

But that's the wonderful thing about this vast void of misinformation and misdirection that we know as the internet, is that I can rant and vent and almost certainly nobody will care what I have to say.  But I'm not looking for validation, or recognition.  I'm looking for a place to write what I feel without criticism.  I've had a shitty day, and I've been feeling guilty about how bad of a friend I am when distance is concerned.  I can't seem to wrap my head around communication across distances.

It's not that I don't care, though that's what most people think, it's that my mind is either focused on the abstract or the immediate, and frankly most forms of communication outside of face-to-face interaction I am fairly terrible at.

Long story short, I love you T, you are my best friend and I'm sorry for being an asshole.

Has anyone else seen those Planters commercials with the almond?  No? Then this won't make any sense.

Brb

Kindof.  I leave today for the next three months, going back to school.  In one sense, exciting, in the other, sad.  I leave home yet again for the Windy City, and I can no longer bike over to my best friends house when I feel like it and hang out with Terrence, talk, hang out, relax and enjoy his company like I can when I am home.  It's no secret I'm terrible at keeping in contact with people.. I wasn't great the last year when I was away, but I intend for this year to be different.  Whether it's through the blog, text, calling or skype I will stay in touch with Terrence this year, you can bet your bottom dollar on that.

It's something that I struggle with, keeping in touch with others.  It was never a problem I've had to address because before it was nothing more than a minor issue with a few people.  I had a home that I never strayed too far from for too long.  A month or so here and there, not a relocation just a vacation.  Now I have friends and family in different corners of the US, and even abroad now.  I pray that nobody ever thinks or feels insignificant to me because of my lack of communication.  Terrence and I have been through thick and thin, and we don't always see eye to eye, but we can reconcile our differences and talk openly and honestly to each other.  A friend like Terrence is hard to find.  Love you, buddy.  Gonna miss you, but I'm not going to lose contact.

-Kevin

Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste the sky as well as the earth.  ~Henry David Thoreau

More Doodles

Click to Enlarge

Apprehension

Why I haven't asked her out

Every Time

Click on the pictures to enlarge them.  Nothing special, just doodled a bit today.

Back to Business

Me and Terrence haven't posted much on here for a while.  The good news is I'm back from my week-long vacation (where I had no internet) and I'm done with work.  The bad news is I leave for school again on the 4th.  Terrence and I will be hanging out a lot in the proceeding week, and hopefully from that time will arise more cooperative work.  I'm also going to try and be a lot better about keeping in contact with everyone, especially Terrence, despite the fact that I'm 2,000 miles away (approximately)

I know Terrence lost a lot of original work because it was shared on the family computer... which is terrible.  Nobody likes losing their work, I know that.  On my end, I haven't done anything "artistic" except for working on one of my games.  I don't want to get too technical here, this blog isn't for "programmers" talk and nor do I want it to be.  But keep and eye out, I may be releasing a small game in the coming future.  Nothing too special, but it will be the accumulation of many different important learning projects, and hopefully, it's you know, fun.

Until next time my good friends,

Kevin

Gahhhhhh I was working on lots of stuff I had planned on putting up here but I wasn't home when certain family members decided to install stuff on the computer and restart and shut down without saving other people's things. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage.
I really don't want this blog to die before its truly born, so I'll do my best to push the frustrations aside and redo what has already been done but not saved. As for kevin, I don't know, we haven't spoken in a while. Not really, but a week or so is a long time not to talk to eachother considering how much we ususally do.

So the other day last week I found my old sketchbook. Its funny, because at times Kevin has said that I inspired him, or I've had influence on him, and I would deny it a little bit inside. But when you look through these, you can't help but see similarities.

(Kevin actually started drawing those blob things a while back, this little thing along with the "F" hat I bought him, was my tribute?)

Unseen Warfare

Click on the image for full size

On Cooperation

Hey guys,

I hope you've already read Terrence's post below, it explains what this blog is supposed to be all about.  This isn't up to gain massive amounts of attention or wow the internet with our prowess or be anything but an outlet for expression, and working together.

If I may, Terrence (who I will also refer to by one of his many nick-names: "T") and I are both creative individuals, but in very different ways.  Terrence is a writer, artist, and musician, and much of my own "work" would not have ever existed if it wasn't for me wanting to be just like Terrence.  He may still have our very first "co-op" piece we completed while working together at a summer camp many years back, it would be cool if we could post that on here one day.

I, on the other hand, posses no musical abilities whatsoever.  I doodle frequently, but have no great ability to draw though I doodle incessantly and people seem to enjoy looking at the doodles.  My creativity is as of yet not terribly visible.  I am studying video game design, and I like to create worlds and characters.  I like to create things that live and breath and interact, and can be played with.

Terrence and I have been friends for many years, we have been through much, matured some, "immature-ed" some more, and played a lot of video games along the way.  Through this process, we have learned each others strengths, weaknesses, behaviors.  We are still learning about the other, but with this foundation we can work with each other.  Not just on this blog, but in all walks of life.


Hopefully I haven't rambled too much (as I am prone to doing) I just wanted to give a bit of background on Terrence and myself.  We aren't two internet collaborators, we are real-life friends of the strongest variety.  And, if you care to stick around, we wouldn't mind showing you what we are all about.


<3
Kevin

Where to start...?

Yes, where to start indeed... This is a collaborative/cooperative blog. Between myself, and Kevin Knight. The idea surfaced when I found out Kevin started his own blog a few months back, and although his blog and mine are quite different, some part of me felt like it would be silly to not both be part of another blog. One where we could both toss up our ideas, projects, doodles, comics, and favorites from across the Internet. My own blog dives much much deeper into myself and who I am at the core, and, if I have an appropriate understanding of it, Kevin's own blog is about his game development (or at least, is supposed to be). But this is a middleground, where we can be artisticly free (despite how homosexual that sounds), and just throw up stuff that we think you, our friends, the internet, and internet friends, will enjoy. I don't know. That's the best I can describe whatever the hell this is supposed to be right now. :)
Love, Terry